As we enter the new year, many of us have made resolutions already or plan to. However, most of us will break them long before the year is up. Which is too bad because a large amount of them have to do with improving our health and physical looks. To help make sure you get off to a good start I’ve listed some helpful tips below:

1) Bench Press Your Pet

They’ll love that you’re giving them attention and they’re probably a great starting weight. Have a cat? Wonderful, they love being picked up and jostled around. Dog? Amazing, they’ll be so happy to help their human on a fitness journey. You can also use your pets as dumbbells. We recommend starting with one pet, but once that becomes too easy, go ahead and start using two (or borrowing a friend’s pet if you only have one).

2) Consume Only Smoothies For All Of January

Ditch chewing for a month and start the year off by going on a liquid diet. Smoothie’s can be crafted to have everything you need. Fruit, veggies, and even raw red meat. Chuck that shit in a blender and call it a day There’s no reason you need to suffer through the hassle of chewing food all the time. Take a break by drinking all your calories for a while!

3) Make Fun Of Yourself Constantly (Preferably In Front Of A Mirror)

Don’t tolerate your bullshit appearance. We all can look better. Do you think Paul Rudd stops giving himself shit just because he hasn’t aged since 1997? Nuh uh. That dude religiously stares in from of his mirror and berates himself. It helps to burn calories spending so much time stressing yourself out. Plus yelling and coming up with new creative insults to hurl at yourself will keep your brain busy and off of unnecessary thoughts (like snacking).

4) Try Every New Dieting Trend You Hear About

Whenever a co-worker, friend, relative, or stranger you’re eves dropping on mentions a new, hip diet, try it! Write down the name of it and then just do it. Don’t research into what the experts are saying. It’s new. They don’t know what the hell is going on either. Don’t let them kill your vibe. Just trying everything you hear about. One has to work, right?

5) Tell People You’ve Been Working Out To See How They React

Their reaction will tell you a lot. If they nod and keep a straight face they probably think you look like you don’t work out and are laughing at you inside their head. Don’t tolerate that nonsense. You go work out the second that conversation is over and don’t stop until you’ve lost five poi. You dedicate yourself to becoming a workout machine. No, mode than that. A workout God. Become more than a human being. Workout so much it freaks people out. Quit your job if it gets in the way. Stop talking to your family if they question your habits. Leave your significant other. Give your pet away (unless you’re using them for weights). Risk constant injury. You’ve gotta injure yourself to improve yourself.

If you have problems with any of these tips, then you probably didn’t follow my advice well enough. If it ruins your life, read back through this and start the process over. This is a fool proof system. Also, this advice isn’t free. Please send me $22.99 through Venmo or subscribe to my only fans, only $14.99 this month, as payment.