It can be hard to know if you’re a good person or not. We all struggle with wondering if we’re doing the right thing and look back on past decisions and dissect how we could have handled situations better. We have a desire to seek out ways to be better humans, not only for ourselves, but for those we interact with. If you don’t have those thoughts or urges then…well…uh oh.

To help you be a better person, I’ve decided to list five things that only indisputably bad people do. If you think you’re a good person, better make sure you don’t do any of these. If you do, well, quit doing this shit. There’s still time. You can save yourself. Below are five things only awful people do:

5) Say “Good Morning”

People who say good are on a bullet train heading straight to hell. There are no good mornings. Only good breakfasts. Morning’s only exist as set up for the rest of the day. It’s like the boring part of a movie where all they do is establish the plot. It’s not all bad, but it most assuredly isn’t good. If you work some weird shift and are going to bed in the mornings, well good for you. I bet you love working until the wee hours of the morning. I bet you love never being able to do normal people things. Oh, you do? Shut up, that doesn’t fit my narrative.

If you say “good morning” to me I automatically put you on a list of people I wouldn’t save from a fire.

4) Talk About How Great Your Weekend Or Trip Was

We get it. You had fun. The rest of us don’t have fun. Even if we wanted to, we’re too busy. When we’re not too busy we can’t afford it. When we can afford it we can’t get off. When we can get off and can afford it we’re just tired as hell. When we’re not tried as hell, can afford it and even get off, something breaks. Whether it be our car, bones, or brain, something breaks. When these things break, we can’t afford to fix them and take a trip or go out. And even if we could we’d be too emotionally drained to do anything and so instead we just sleep. You’re probably thinking people like us need therapy. You’re right. We’ve tried. It’s expensive and it’s part of why we can’t afford things.

We’re happy for you. We are. But also shut your face.

3) Call The Cops Because Someone Was “Being Too Loud”

Get over yourself. You think I ever called the cops on my old neighbor Daryl just because I could hear him and sometimes girlfriend Martha having sex every night? Trust me when I say neither of these human beings were attractive, they did not care about personal hygiene. Despite being only in their late 40’s they looked like they were 97 and 112, respectively. I did not want to picture and/or hear them having sex. Yet they were so incredibly loud it was hard to not picture it because they also took turns basically narrating each other movements as the other one screamed. “I love how you just moved to the left and pulled my legs over your shoulders. You migration to my southern regions is the most beautiful thing I’ve ever seen. Everything is moist down there, I hope you’re prepared to get wet.”

I’m traumatized. I also never called the cops like punk ass snitch. Let the kids down the street have their party. Being forced to listen to loud music you don’t like gives you culture. Builds character. Embrace it.

2) Take Up Two Parking Spaces Or Use The Blinker Improperly

We all went to driving school. That’s a thing that happened. To get a license, we all had to do it. Not only that, we had to pass a test. Remember? Clearly some of you don’t because a ton of you suck at driving. I don’t have to explain further. I’m so pissed at all of you. Do better ya damn wankers.

1) Put Cheese On Apple Pie

The knowledge that these monsters exist gives me nightmares. 1 in 5 Americans knows someone who puts cheese on apple pie (stat courtesy of ThisIsAFactWeChecked.png). Sometimes I forget this is a thing people do, but when I remember I nearly vomit and look for a car to vandalize (don’t worry, I wouldn’t actually vandalize a car, and if I did, I would do it discreetly). If you put cheese on pie in general, but especially apple pie, then you’re not just a bad person, you’re a very bad person. I’m not even sure if there’s hope to save your soul at this point. Never doing it again would be a good start, but your past sins are pretty severe. So. Good luck with that.