Santa Claus is beloved across the globe. He’s one of the most instantly recognizable figures of all time…but should he be? I can’t help but be disgusted with the masses for their idle acceptance of this grotesque creature. Here are the five reasons why Santa Claus, the gift bringer formerly known as Kris Kringle, is a menace to our society and should be stuffed into a maximum security prison:

1) He Could Solve World Hunger, Instead He Gives Out Toys.

It’s long been suggested that he brings comfort and joy. Oh does he? I contend he only brings frivolous gifts and unhelpful distractions. He’s been imbued with such extraordinary magical powers, yet he misuses them completely. He can travel the entire planet in one day (yeah yeah, time zones blah, blah, blah). He can miraculously fit down any chimney or appear in a house even if no chimney exists! Some have suggested he has the ability to make chimney’s appear and disappear at will. I don’t know why he’s so obsessed with chimneys, but nonetheless he wields marvelous abilities. Indeed he does. Yet instead of striving to solve world hunger or provide other necessities, he is merely concerned with what kids may want to play with. He’s like the cool uncle who shows up once in a while and then takes you to Disneyland. He wants to get all the credit for giving kids cool stuff, junk food for their soul. All while parents put food on the table every day. Speaking of…

2) Why Does He Insist On Only Using His Abilities Once A Year?

Ho Ho Ho yourself straight to hell, you evil beast.

Many have compared him to a superhero, but what kind of hero only comes out once a year? Some have argued that he utilizes his magic to create enough presents for every child in the world. Nonsense, his elves and other minions do all that for him (more on that soon). Mr. Claus sits comfortably in his kingdom built on candy canes and gumdrops while the rest of us struggle day in and day out to keep our heads above water. Santa could use his sleigh and magic sack to deliver essential materials across the globe. He’d be useful in countless situations! Yet he never answers the call. Pathetic.

3) He Has No Respect For Child Labor Laws

He lords over his workers as they suffer through their miserable existence.

Rumors have swirled for centuries about the exact working conditions elves are subjected to. Many anonymous sources over the years have claimed Santa’s Workshop is a 24/7 operation, with Santa also using his magic to slow down time to squeeze two days or more into each day. Elves may indeed be working 48-144 hours per day as a result. With days off being few and far between and each and every worker being constantly. These absurd working hours can be traced back to skyrocketing global population as the elves had less time for their lives outside of work, resulting in a shrinking elf population. More children means more toys, but more toys being made by less elves. Many elves begin working not long after they learn to walk, as many will never escape the grasp of the North Pole and its crumbling infrastructure built solely on delivering free gifts to children once a year.

4) He Has Problematic Best Friends

Oh look, two jolly sacks of garbage and a cute Polar Bear.

His many problematic close friends are well documented, yet nobody seems to care. Why did nobody freak out when he took Vladimir Putin ice fishing? I understand that he wants good diplomatic relations so he can visit as many children as possible, but seriously?! He’s magic! He could just do it anyway and nobody is going to be able to stop him. This is madness. Other close friends of his include Rob Schneider, who hasn’t made a good movie in years, LeBron James, who had the audacity to win the Lakers only one championship so far, and Meryl Streep. Streep for years has refused to retire and as a result she will continue to get Oscar nominations for many years. She already has the record, can’t she just give it up already?! Mr. Claus may forgive these people, but we don’t have to.

5) He Rarely Gives Out Coal Anymore. Has Santa Stopped Checking The List Twice?

Are we to believe that children are better than ever before? According to the most recent reports from CoalOrGold, Santa only gave out an average of 2.36 lumps of coal per 100 children in 2018. That’s down 25% from 2015, when he gave out an average of 2.95 lumps of coal per 100 children. 2015 was already -372% from 2005, just ten years earlier, when 10.97 lumps of coal were given out per 100 children. What in the monkey loving, meatball smoothie hell is that about?! Do Santa and his little helpers seriously believe that kids today are better than every single prior generation? I doubt it. I think the real answer is much more sinister.

They’ve gotten lazy and, worse yet, soft. It’s easier to simply plan to give more kids toys and goodies than it is to decifer who’s been bad. Has he stopped checking the list twice? I’d bet money on it. Of course, there’s also the fact that this generation of kids is filled with nothing but a bunch of complainers. When I was a kid, I got coal in my stocking six years straight. Did I cry? The first year, sure. The second as well. The third I threw up, but I definitely didn’t cry. By the fourth year I came to understand that I didn’t deserve toys that year. I had been punched in the nuts by my own actions. And I tried to do better. I finally got presents again when I was a senior in high school, the last year children officially qualify for presents. Today’s kids would never learn and grow, they’d cry and whine and demand that they deserve presents by default.

In Conclusion:

If Santa were to give out more coal, then he could easily decrease the amount of toys and other goodies his elves need to produce. In turn, that would lead to them having a more sustainable work schedule. It boggles the mind to see the poor business model Claus, Inc uses. At the same time, he has little insensitive to change when everyone insists on praising him each and every year. Why should he take a moment to take a look in the mirror when there are countless songs, movies, and shows about him?

If he were really was as jolly and kind hearted as many make him out to be, then he wouldn’t soak up all the credit. Perhaps we’d know a single elf’s name. Or what Mrs. Claus’s first name is. Or for goodness sake, he wouldn’t hide away from all of us 99.9% of the time. Did you know only 1 in 229,989,000 people will ever catch a glimpse of Santa? I think the reason for that is clear. He has a lot to hide and no desire to face any of these questions. This makes him unfit for duty, and is just one of the many reasons we need to take action as a global society. He’s no saint, people.

No matter what you may think of the man in the red coat, remember this: Santa is just another way to spell Satan. Satan loves fire. Santa loves chimneys. Chimneys produce fire. Santa is Satan.

He took a selfie in hell. I rest my case.