One of the biggest sports games of the year was played earlier today and it did not disappoint the people who love the sports. The Dubuque Scary Names and the Los Angeles Insensitive To Indigenous People Team (one of LA’s 2,543 professional sports teams) duked it out in epic fashion, scoring the most points since the last time a great game took place not that long ago (although some fans swear a great game hasn’t been played since the 90’s when players, in their words, “weren’t such p*ssies”).

The game started off in slow fashion, or as some would describe it, “with great defense.” Just before halftime, LA began to do big things that put them in the lead. Then the Dubuque team showed how tough farmers from Iowa can be at the sports, and made a most triumphant come back to tie the game at halftime.

During halftime, some commentators made lots of jokes at each others expense, and from what I can gather three out of the four of them used to play the sports as well. The other one is a lifelong journalist, which is crazy because what does a journalist know about sports? The media is dumb. I know that because I’m dumb.

Once the players took the field for the second half, you could tell a fire 🔥 had been light under their collective bums by their coaches, who no doubt gave a speech about how the other team thinks they can win, but how they don’t know their team has been through, and as a result they should obviously be the ones to come out victorious.

Dubuque took the lead quickly and kept it for the majority of the second half, despite a vicious back and forth flurry of scoring, which surely pleased the swaths of drunk Americans watching both in the stands and from their screens across the nation (mostly in bars that serve chicken wings).

In the end, LA won because they have more money, and I mean a lot more. Like six times the amount of the Iowa team. But hey, that’s just part of the game folks.

LA was once again asked if they plan to change their insensitive Team Name, but their owner said they’d rather go with no name at all for two years than change the name. The owner also cited that one indigenous person who said the name “wasn’t really all that offensive when you think about it.” In their defense, this is America, and our sports should not be interrupted with such high concept thoughts.

In conclusion, yay LA! May sports reign forever.

Don’t miss my next report on the college game featuring students who don’t really go to class so much as bide their time until they can play professional sports. We’re so nice for letting them play a game AND get an education. Good thing they know their place and never ask for anything more, because what more do they want? Money is for businesses and billionaires, not people. So what else could they want? Food? Water? Shelter? I mean sure, while they’re playing, that’s fine. Besides, having a good place to sleep, hydrate, eat and workout makes them better sports players!