Editor’s Note: The following views expressed by Mr. Robert Boberts, Jr. are not representative of the beliefs of us here at Probably News or its parent company, We See You Scrolling. Boberts has simply been given a massive platform to share his deepest, most deranged thoughts, and while they may influence the hearts and minds of those who read his reports, including young impressionable children or those who grew up watching him on his old broadcast home, that’s hardly our fault. We accept no blame for giving him free reign and refuse to give any honest criticsm the time of day. I’m only writing this note because of my blood sucking, toe sniffing, dirt humping lawyers. Thank you.

I know you’re all reading that headline and thinking, “what in the actual fuck? Anybody who would write that must be out of their goddamn mind.” First off, you’d be incorrect. I’m of perfectly sound mind. I get checked every six months thanks to a court order. Secondly, while I’m not off my rocker, I have had a little brandy and a dabble of cocaine.

Before you dismiss my thoughts out of hand, I want you to understand: I’ve had this thought at least once a week for thirty-seven years. The bit of drink and white powder has simply given me the courage to voice the thoughts publicly. That being said…

Murder should totally be legal! Ever had someone cut you off on the highway as they mad dashed through four lanes of traffic? I’d forgive someone for running them off the road. And you would too. You won’t admit it to yourself now, but in the white hot midst of road rage you know its true. But what if our calm, rational selves aren’t right? What if the morally correct response is the version of us that wants to bitch slap that person off a cliff and into an early grave? Think about it. That person is going to get someone killed one day, why shouldn’t they die instead? 🤔

Animal abusers should die if they repeat offend too. I mean come on, what kind of soulless douchebag beats up an animal? And then to get caught and do it again? Forget jail time. Toss those shit weasels into lava. I don’t care how much it costs. Fly them to a volcano and toss em’ in. They can go down like Gollum in Return of the King for all I care.

Speaking of, you ever been to a movie and there’s a person talking throughout, giving their commentary alongside their pal or date? Or using their phone, causing a bright-as-shit distraction? If you say something and they carry on as if they’re at their own home, those people should be put to death. Not a slow one, just a quick little “fuck you” death. Like shoot them with a poison blow dart or something. We need to let people know that if you pay to go out and see a movie, and it’s good, nobody wants to hear some dipshit who wasn’t paying attention the entire time.

Also people who bring a baby need to fucking not. Maybe we don’t kill them, I mean for Christ’s sake they have kids, I’m not gonna advocate for orphaning children up in here, but are they fucking serious? What are those people thinking? Babies are the worst people to watch movies with! They have no taste and can’t follow storylines for shit. You think I want to hear your baby scream through the Avengers kicking ass and destroying entire cities during their battles? Get a sitter or watch something at home. We live in the golden era of TV and there’s 176 streaming services. Put on an episode of “The Great British Baking Show” and stay where you’re wanted, your stupid fucking house.

Now if the movie sucks, whatever, we can give people a pass. I’m not going to get mad at anyone for joking around during The Happening or After Earth. If those piece of shit movies were human beings I’d kill them too. I’d kill them twice. Slowly. Fuck they make me so mad. Remember how M. Night ruined The Last Airbender? Fucking ruined the last decade for me. At least Split was pretty good. Glass was fucked up though. Like what the balls? Old better be good or I say we just stop letting M. Night make movies. We don’t kill him (yet). He seems like a nice dude. And his kids seem nice. But still, fuck bro, get someone to help you write your movies so I can love them.

I don’t remember where I was going with this article anymore. The cocaine is wearing off and I need to go get some more. My resistance is quite high after all these years and it takes some high quality shit to keep me up. Anyway, I do know that sometimes people totally deserve to die for their bullshit. I’m pretty sure at least. Fuck, maybe I’m crazy? It has been almost six months since my last psych evaluation. Or maybe it’s just the drugs? Nah. I’m right about this.

Update: Apparently I blacked out last night, wrote this up and sent it to my publishers. I’m shocked they posted it today. Shit, I wouldn’t have published this nonsense. Sorry about the crazy shit I said and I just want you to know, I was mostly joking. But if you agree with what I said, hit me up, I got some more thoughts I wanna run by you.