Sources close to me are insisting the Earth has come to a full on collision with our neighboring planet Mars. Authorities I’ve reached out to are firmly in the midst of a cover up, as nobody is returning my calls or messages. The cowards know they cannot lie me as I represent truth and unity itself. One hand hand, I can hardly blame them. Why confirm this disaster and alarm the residents of the Globe?

One the other, their gatekeeping and secrecy is an absolute disgrace of the highest order, and I will get to the bottom of this, even if it means I don’t eat lunch today. And dammit, the truth is worth it.

From what I can gather from those who claim to have seen part of Earth’s mighty impact, this collision was no accident. Instead, it was the result of an intense game of chicken between Mother Earth and the red planet.

My colleagues believe this stems from a long running feud between the two, and that Mars has long felt superior to Earth, due to the fact that Mars’ inhabitants are long dead, while the people of Earth continually poison the blue planet mercilessly (it should be noted that only the overwhelming vast majority of scientists believe in climate change, and that some of our dear readers have every intention of hating this paragraph as a result).

UPDATE:

I’ve gotten my hands on raw footage of the intense game of chicken that ended with Earth shattering results. The footage comes straight from an anonymous source at the international space station. I have agreed to protect their identity and as a result can only tell you they are six foot five inches, Russian, sent me the video via email, and have a brother named Pietro Nikolai.

EXCLUSIVE VIDEO RECAP:

While I am not allowed to show the video for national security reasons, I am making the decision to describe critical elements of it to you now. It’s clear that Mars made the first move, coming at Earth with a slow, but steady pace.

Earth, knowing it’s very legacy was on the line, knew it could not back down or wait for Mars to get to full speed. So our blue plenty began to charge Mars at a much quicker pace. Mars ramped up it’s acceleration in kind. Before long, the two were charging at one another while “Holding Out For A Hero” belted from the space station’s speakers.

Unfortunately for us, both these planets are prideful, and neither planet would deviate from its course. Within minutes, the two epically smashed into one another, causing a thunderous explosion and death to billions.

If you’re wondering how you could have slept through this event, well, you’re asking the wrong person. I’m a journalist, not a scientist.

More to come…

Final Update:

False alarm.

Apparently the video had been doctored by the folks over at NASA as a practical joke. F***ers.

My bad.